Friday, March 18, 2011

on patience

My patience ebbs and flows with the moon, it seems. As many of you know, Christian is looking for full-time work. And not just any full-time work. Sure, the plant nursery down the road is hiring. Nordstrom Rack is hiring. Door-to-door sales companies are hiring. He could find full-time work if he wanted to, but he isn't looking for just anything. He is looking for full-time work in his career path. Full-time work in his field that would also offset my Stanford job and allow me to stay home with our kids.

(Don't worry--I can post freely about this. My boss knows full well that I plan to stay home with my kids as soon as our employment situation allows for it. I work with great people.)

Searching for a job can be stressful, and in my case, I almost feel like it's even more stressful that I'm not the one doing the searching. As I've mentioned a gazillion times, I like to have a plan. It takes everything in me NOT to impose my planning obsession on Christian. If I didn't show a little restraint, I'd end up with a full report of job applications, follow-up calls, common interview questions and answers, and a detailed plan all laid out on a calendar in our kitchen...and a husband who would never talk to me again. Christian doesn't work the same way I do, and I'm sure my obsession with planning grates on him. So I show restraint and try to let him do his thing his way. That doesn't mean I don't interject and offer my help and advice (and I'm sure it has helped out in various areas of his job search). I just don't take over what's not mine. (Or at least I try my hardest not to...)

With that great big long preface, I will get to my point.

Amidst this stressful situation that was, for the most part, out of my hands, I was hit with a huge wave of peace. Of patience. Of acceptance. It was a week before I was supposed to go back to work.

When I went back to work after Graham, I was dreading it. I cried (more than once). It was hard for me to leave him at home. I got over it, of course, and I was just fine. But I still had this resentment for work.

Then I had Liam. About a month ago I was forced to think about what I was going to do with my teaching job. I couldn't possibly work full time and teach at night. I would never see my kids. Emotionally, I just couldn't do it. Once more, I felt resentment. I had to go back to my full time job and would therefore have to quit a my teaching. Leave a class I love. Take a step backward in my teaching career. Giving up my teaching position in this economy was a guarantee that I wouldn't get back in until the economy fully recovered. I was torn. I was sad.

Eventually I was able to work out an arrangement that allowed me to keep my class but only teach one night a week (another teacher would teach my lesson plans the other two nights).

And then it hit. I was calm.

I wasn't worried about going back to work.

I wasn't worried about Christian's job search.

I wasn't worried about anything.

I was calm and content and felt peace. No other way to describe it.

I have been back at work for a week, and I felt fine from the start. Absolutely fine. Things will work out when they are supposed to. Until then, I have patience, and I am grateful.


Tamra said...

What a blessing. Thanks for your post, and the reminder that sometimes we can do hard things and it's okay. Even peaceful.

Ashley said...

Wow, that's so awesome. I have been thinking of you back at work and hoping it's all going well--so glad to hear that it is, even though I know it's not your ideal situation. Peace like that can get you through.

Kim said...

I totally relate to what you say. When Rich was internship and job hunting I was so bugged at the way he was looking. But he just has a different approach that mine. I had to practice patience also and it eventually worked out. I passed along your hubby's resume to my brother in law who is an HR manager in Phoenix. Maybe it will help somehow. Although, then you'd have to move to Phoenix:)

Molly said...

Thanks, guys. And thanks, Kim, for passing on his resume! What's his company? Christian will check it out.

Janine said...

Patience is def hard for me as well. I am like you--I have to have "a plan." And I think that is one of the ways the Lord likes to stretch me most is by having me rely on HIS timetable, trusting that He knows what is better for me than I do. That's what is so great about the gospel--I am SOO grateful we know where to turn for peace, and grateful you found peace.

Chelle said...

Okay sorry, the random Janine comment was actually Michelle. I was on her computer and didn't know she was signed in. :)

Ella said...

My patience with Matt's job ebbs and flows too. You're an awesome woman. I'm glad you're in a peaceful place.