Thursday, May 13, 2010

do you miss me?

It has been over a week since I last posted. What is happening to me?

Let me explain. I'm worn out. I'm not fishing for "poor Molly" comments, rather pointing out what has been a long time coming. Besides, it was my choice to do all these things. Sometimes it's just nice to put things on paper (computer screen?) for your own sanity.

{Side note: this is only about me. Christian has been working and going to school for years and I'm sure he's quite worn out, too. But since I can't talk for him, I'll talk for myself.}

2004: Got married. Working full time. Making dinner for the family we lived with 3 nights a week. Christian did the bulk of the dinner making, but it still made us unavailable on weeknights.

2005: Life continued as usual. Work, dinners on weeknights.

2005 (September): I started a Master's program two nights a week. Still working full time. Still helping make dinners for the family when I was available.

2006: Work, class, dinners.

2007: Work, class, dinners. Moved in June, which alleviated us of the dinner-making tasks. Felt good.

2007 (December): Started substitute-teaching an ESL class on the nights I didn't have MA classes.

2008: Work, class, subbing.

2008 (March): Started teaching my own ESL class one night a week while still working and attending MA classes.

2008 (May): Graduated from my MA program. Hallelujah.

2008 (September): Started teaching ESL 3 nights a week after work.

2009: Work, teach 3 nights a week.

2009 (October): Had a baby!! Just for the record, this baby has yet to make me tired. You may not believe that, but it's true.

2009 (September) thru 2010 (January): 4 months of maternity leave. Best vacation ever. EVER.

2010: Work, teach 3 nights a week, miss baby at home.

What does this all mean? It means that for 6 years I have been turning down weeknight activities. For 6 years I have been sending the same auto-response "Sorry I can't make it, but be sure to invite me next time!"

I'm worn out. I'm done.

And do you know what? I've come to the sad realization that I don't even care anymore. It doesn't bother me that I never see my friends. Is that bad? It doesn't bother me that girls I know go on fun girls' weekends or get together for dinner. I never see them otherwise (and certainly never do any inviting myself) so it makes perfect sense to me to see everyone hanging out in the real world without me. And I'm not being sarcastic or having a pity party. It really doesn't bother me. And that's what's strange. It used to make me sad. Now I'm just so used to it. And not being home all week makes me just want to stay home all weekend and never leave.

So three more weeks until my glorious summer starts. Every year I get a summer vacation from everything evening-related. (The day job sticks around, unfortunately.)

What am I going to do with all my free nights? Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I'll probably eat ice cream. Maybe Christian and I will take Graham to the park and watch all the people and squirrels until his bedtime. Maybe I'll come up with interesting things to write on my blog. And maybe I'll go to bed at 8 o'clock every night. And then I won't be so worn out.

Yes, that sounds nice.

Thanks, blog post. I feel better now.


LJ, DC and ML said...

Yup I miss you.
pS. you will likely see a post on my blog shortly entitled "all my friends live in cyberspace."
Time for a vaca!

Julianne said...

Enjoyed this. Save some ice cream for me.

The Winkelman's said...

You're so cute Molly! Ahh, it seems as though I just feel your relief pouring through the computer screen regarding your upcoming break. You need it, my dear. I'm so happy you're gonna be able to hang out with your boys.

Julia Wade said...

you do need a vacay!! crazy thing i thought too is that i remember all of that ... the cute little house, the move, the baby!! crazy!

Amy Carter said...

yes, i've missed you. so happy you only have three weeks of teaching left. it will be here before you know it.
my baby makes me tired all the time. you're lucky.
your next post should be an update on what graham is up to these days. pretty please. with pictures.

Kerri said...

yes, even I remember the cute house--I even helped you move in and get that bed in there, and the trailer going backwards up the driveway...I was there :)

What do you think is the key to such self confidence?