Friday, July 6, 2007

bullshattuck congratulates america for being #1 in the world

NOTE TO READERS: It seems this posting has caused a bit of tension. Which is actually fine with me. But just know--if you are so patriotic that you can't handle a little bit of USofA criticism, stop reading now. My motivation is not to offend. I love my country, I'm grateful for everything I have, but I also believe my country can handle some criticism. She's a big girl. She'll be fine. And I don't think that's hypocritical of me. That said, read on if you can handle it...

The following is a blog by my wonderful friend, Ryan. I enjoyed it so much that I got his permission to post it on my blog, too. Happy 4th of July and thanks, Ryan!

Bullshattuck Congratulates America for Being #1 In the World

Happy Birthday America!

Foam 'We're #1' Hand I thought that in order to celebrate our nation's Independence Day today, we might celebrate all the reasons that make our country #1 in the world!

For starters, America has the highest birth rate in the world! Well, if you don't count the 136 countries who have birth rates higher than our own.

We must be the country with the highest Global Peace Index, right? Hey, 96th place isn't that bad.

Think of all those awful countries in South America and Africa, when people are murdered everyday! It's not like that in the United States... and yet the highest we can reach for "lowest murder rate" is 75th place.

But here in America, we believe everyone is equal and has the same rights - which would explain why we're the 72nd country when it comes to income equality.

Well maybe we're not #1 in terms of income equality, but at least everyone here has a job! And yet we're only the 56th highest country to have the lowest unemployment rate.

Certainly no one has better doctors than the United States; we must have the highest life expectancy! If you consider 45th place to be the highest.

Speaking of life expectancy, no one even kids themselves that we have the best healthcare in the world. As anyone knows who's seen Michael Moore's 'Sicko,' the United States is barely #37 in terms of best healthcare.

But so many of us are wealthy or, at the very least, comfortable! Aren't we the #1 country in the world for least debt, highest IQ, and lowest percentage of people living below the poverty line?

Well... we're in 32nd place for having the least debt, we're in 22nd place for having the highest IQ, and in 19th place for having the lowest percentage of people living below the poverty line. Does almost still count as being #1?

This can't be true! We're the United States - aren't we supposed to be #1 in everything?!

At least our country is #1 for having the world's richest man! Actually, no. Bill Gates is no longer the world's richest man. He is now the world's second richest man... after a guy from Mexico.

WHAT?! WE LOST OUR #1 PLACE FOR HAVING THE WORLD'S RICHEST MAN... TO MEXICO?!

Dammit, but at least we're the country with the largest English-speaking population, right? RIGHT?! Who could have more English-speakers than the United States?

India. India has the largest English-speaking population in the world. We're second.

Sorry America. Even if it's only 13th place for most beer consumption, or 22nd place for most coffee consumption, it looks like we're not #1 in anything.

Aside from being #1 for carbon dioxide emissions.

Have a great Independence Day Everyone!

God bless the USA!

After all, we must be God's favorite country. We clearly won't settle for anything less than first.

5 comments:

Tyler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tyler said...

What happened to gratitude and appreciation? And who said America had to be first at anything? It's a wonderful place with a lot of good people.

Mer said...

Even though I think I would make a great (ideal) expatriate, I'm still very proud to be an American and wouldn't ever trade my passport. I also read recently that China has passed up the US as the world's largest producer of CO2 emissions...

Molly said...

Oh, don't get me wrong--I'm very proud to be an American and I'm grateful that I live in a free country. If I wanted to live elsewhere, I would, but I obviously don't. :) That said, I don't think that gratitude and appreciation means we can ignore our country's imperfections, does it?

Julie and Lenny said...

Free Speech Molly! Way to go!
In a complete non-discrimitory way....Have you ever called India for tech support and gotten anyone who actually speaks english you can understand!? Yeah, me neither.